Practical Tools to Process Rejection at Work
Ouch - it hurts…rejection always hurts, even if what we’re being rejected from wasn’t something we were sure we wanted in the first place. The amount of insecurity the slightest bit of rejection can stir up is always disproportionate to reality – but we deeply feel the discouragement and frustration all the same.
A bright take on a hard topic? You’re not alone…the gut punch that is rejection is a universally human experience.
A cautionary warning on the topic? Don’t get sucked into temporary feelings about a temporary problem – and don’t let others suck you in either. Because it’s universal, it means others live there too…and misery loves company. Sitting in rejection will prevent you from getting to whatever it is that you were supposed to be doing…which is obviously NOT whatever you were rejected from – so move on!
Rejection is one of the most powerful motivators with the right perspective. But to arrive at perspective, you have to go through and process the rejection. Ignoring or compartmentalizing your feelings around rejection runs the risk that it will creep up and create resentment later, which is completely toxic and will hold you back in time, energy, and getting to wherever you are supposed to be…which again, is obviously NOT doing whatever with whomever rejected you – so move on and prove them wrong!
Before we get to what you should do to process rejection, let’s first talk about what you should absolutely NOT do when you are working through rejection:
Impulsively confront your manager or quit your job. Even if this has happened before and “this is the last straw”. Making career decisions in a time of raw emotion will almost always make things more complicated.
Doubling down and engaging in negative self-talk, telling yourself you aren’t good enough or deserving of this opportunity or other/future opportunities.
Exhibiting passive aggressive behavior towards others taking out your frustrations on your co-workers (including your manager), your friends, or family.
Limiting or downgrading your quality of your work and effort (this will absolutely only hurt you in the long run).
SO LET’S PROCESS INSTEAD
Ask yourself these 5 things:
Did you actually want what you didn’t get?
Why did you want what you didn’t get?
Is it off the table for good, or is it just delayed?
Do you know why you didn’t get what you wanted? As a follow-up, is it possible the decision makers didn’t know you wanted it?
Is it possible that while you didn’t get what you wanted, it actually had NOTHING to do with what you did or did not bring to the table, and actually had everything to do with either the decision maker or whomever did get what you wanted?
That can be a tough one to wrap your mind around because by nature we are introspective and make not getting something about ourselves. That insecurity tells us that it must have been something we didn’t have or didn’t do…when in reality, because we are all unique individuals fearfully and wonderfully made, it was 100% about the unique characteristics of that other person - we were not a compelling factor.
Answering these questions will tell you something about how to prioritize the rejection and what if any emotional time and energy should be spent on the rejection itself.
If this was something you really wanted and have spent a lot of time and energy working towards, dear lord, give yourself time to grieve and process the fact that you’re disappointed.
If you answered “no” or the first question, but you still felt a sense of rejection, you should take some time to explore why it bothered you so much. Is it as simple as, everyone wants to be “picked” - in which case, forget your pride, remind yourself you didn’t want it and that’s probably why you weren’t picked and move on.
If you recognize there is something deeper to that disappointment, explore why that might be – is there an underlying insecurity the rejection triggered?
For example, is there something else you’re working towards, and now a fear of rejection that didn’t previously exist is creating anxiety about “being good enough” or “chosen” for that other thing you really want.
If you don’t know why you experienced rejection, are you prepared to ask? More importantly, are you prepared to get an answer that will be hard to hear?
Now that you’ve take some time to process the rejection, let’s talk about productive ways you can respond and let’s MOVE THROUGH THE REJECTION:
Understand and accept that timing is never exclusively our own. Time and circumstance can be impacted by our actions, but they also exist outside of us exclusively, and to think otherwise will set us up for disappointment.
If you aren’t sure why you didn’t get what you wanted, or if whether the decision maker knew you wanted it, or you’re now concerned about future prospects – you need to ask. Maybe it’s all the worst things you’ve told yourself, maybe it’s far more simple and straightforward - either way, quit wasting, time, energy, and emotion on what you assume to be the case - go get your answer!
It is perfectly reasonable to be able to ask your manager about timing, your readiness, another shot the opportunity, etc. – but when and how you ask is critical.
Reach out to them about getting together to discuss and let them know what you’re hoping to take away from the conversation.
Be thoughtful about your word choice and tone – if need be, ask someone you trust to be a second set of ears to make sure your message is coming across how you intend.
Remember, this is not a demand letter, it’s a good faith conversation about your future growth and aspirations.
Be prepared to hear something hard or unexpected and think and maybe even practice in the mirror how you’d like to respond if you get difficult feedback.
Lastly, you may find that your manager isn’t thoughtful or strategic as you thought when it comes to personnel or leadership decision making. Log that and plan accordingly based on what you to advance your career, specifically what kind of manager you need to get to the next level – don’t expect people to be something they aren’t – yes people can grow and change, but don’t “wait and see” to your own detriment.
Get your answers and then PUT IT DOWN. How you ask?
If it was worst case scenario, the best way to put it down is to rationally and strategically plan your next move.
If it was simply they didn’t know you wanted it, or you want to make it clear that you ARE interested in being considered for another/future opportunity, be calm, clear, and articulate about what you want, ask what they need to see from you specifically to get what you want - and then put it down by making a plan to capitalize on that information.
Finally – get some cheer up in here! Find someone or something else to celebrate.
The best way to stop dwelling in the lies masquerading as insecurities is to stop making it about ourselves and focus on the good worth celebrating around us.
I never ever regret taking the time to be happy and encouraging for someone else, and it always brightens my mood.
